wavering faith - and why it's natural
My plan for today's post was to write a book review, but I was watching a sermon and I feel compelled to talk a bit about faith. I promise I won't be long.
As I've told you in previous posts (you can check them out, too!), I am a believer, and recently I went through a really rough spot, where I was at my saddest and probably my worst emotionally and spiritually. After my mother's passing, I realized I began to resent God a bit and tried to put as much of distance as I could between Him and I. I felt He didn't know, that He couldn't understand how bad I hurt. It wasn't until I was crying one night, the pain so strong I couldn't help but think of Him, and I don't remember what I said in my head, really. I probably didn't end up saying anything, but then I felt... peaceful. I was still hurting, but it was as if I had someone holding me. Such a weird feeling, I know.
For me, as humans, we are prone to ups and downs, strong emotions and even stronger feelings, which may sometimes lead us to doubt our faith. I've heard other believers feel bad for questioning or doubting God, but I think, because of our humanness, God understands those wavers, and He is aware we have questions. He knows we aren't perfect, and He doesn't ask us to be unwavering in our devotion toward Him.
In verses like Mark 15:33-34, even Jesus felt alone, abandoned by God. "My God, why have you forsaken me?" Needless to say, of course God was listening, but the pain Jesus was feeling at that time couldn't compare to what He would achieve, not only for the glory of God, but for us. Even when in pain, it is still hard to comprehend God understands such complex emotions, ones I cannot even put a name to. And that's the beauty of God.
When I started developing depression, my faith wavered. There was a specific week where I thought I had completely dropped my faith—and I have never felt emptier. Even now, I still struggle with having alone time with God; sometimes I question what happened with mother, why He chose to let it happen and never healed her, and maybe those questions will never get answers, that's true. But it isn't fair to see only what God has not done for me, instead of all the little things He has done, proof that He hears and understands me.
I think back on previous circumstances where God was with me to show me that I am not alone, even if I felt like it. Feelings are different from the knowledge I have of who God is. For example, I go back to when I was thinking at a mass that I felt He didn't exist, and I asked him, if He did, to please make the priest say this very specific verse to me. Five minutes later, I heard such verse from my best friend's mother. I felt God winking at me that one time. I also think about that timeHhe told mother what I was feeling, which led her to ask me about it (without her possibly knowing I had even been praying about such specific issue). Or that time I told Him I'd love to go to such college, and that I didn't know what career to choose but He'd lead me there, help me choose the one that would ultimately make me the happiest. And He did. That period was extremely painful, but I learnt to trust Him and bet on Him.
So, while it is important to have a strong faith and relationship with God on our own, God kinda lets it be known that sometimes it'll shake, like in Mark 2:1-12, where the four men take the paralytic and because Jesus saw THEIR faith, he was moved to work. If you happen to have a bible group study or just someone who shares your faith, use them to support you and the other way around. This specific verse is the one that comes to mind. Matthew 18:20 "Where two or three gather in my name, there I am with them." Prayer doesn't always have to be alone, you and God. Including other people makes the experience all the more beautiful, in my opinion.
If you struggle with making your feelings known to God, even a quick prayer will suffice. If there's anything I want you to take from this little post is pray. Or try to, really. Worship God, even if it's one song. Call out to him, even if it's just one sentence. He's listening all the time.
To end this, I'll leave my top three favorite verses that remind me He's always here, that keep my faith from wavering too much, the ones that give me a respite. I hope they might help you a bit, too.
Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans. I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for you to prosper and not to harm you. To give you hope and a future."
This verse is the promise of God I carry the closest to my heart. Whatever you're going through, God has a plan, and he has figured it out, with only your HAPPINESS in mind. He looks out for you!
Psalm 139:22-23 "Even before there is a word on my tongue, Behold, O Lord, You know it all."
This one makes me feel all the much better while praying. Just a little reminder I don't have to say anything specific for Him to understand. Before I even begin praying, He's already listening and He knows what I'll ask and say. WOW.
Psalm 30:5 "Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning."
I used this verse, specially during those months, and now in quarantine. Though you may be struggling right now, in the future, you will be overjoyed, happy, peaceful. Let God work through you, even if you don't know what God is supposed to do with you. He knows, I promise you.
With that said, I hope I motivate you to seek God, even if it's just for one minute today. There's nothing too small for Him not to care, and nothing too big for Him not to be able to do.
Thank you for reading!
Profuse greetings, Mel.
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